Locked up for love? Coercive control is not care, it's abuse

                                                                                                  Professor R. S. Sengar

To help readers cope with their anxieties in these stressful times, TOI's Talk it out series brings expert counsellors to answer your mental health queries. This week's advice is from psychologist & narrative practitioner Bhavya Kulshreshtha, I'm a woman from Burdwan. My life completely changed after I came home one day in April. Since then, my parents have confined me at home as they found out I love someone they disapprove of. They think the person is not right for me. I cannot step out or do a job, so I just lie in bed most of the day using my phone for hours. I am under extreme stress and anxiety. I cannot sleep properly at night.

My parents even took me to a psychiatrist as they think I am mentally unstable. They constantly monitor everything I do what I eat, who I talk to, it's as if I am under CCTV surveillance. They accuse me of things that are not true, call me characterless, and believe I have lived in with that guy. They say they wasted their money on my education, even though I am an advocate. I stay silent most of the time as speaking only makes things worse. How do I deal with this? Please advise.— Anonymous.

What you're feeling is a normal reaction to being controlled. Anxiety, withdrawal, doom scrolling and sleep disturbances are expected consequences of having your autonomy and freedom removed. Even if your parents feel they want the best for you, being verbally demeaned, confined against your will, denied financial freedom through a job, and being taken to a psychiatrist without genuine clinical need is not okay. It is control, and control is a form of abuse. And in this case, silence is a way of protecting yourself. But you need more support. I would encourage you to start by talking to one person you trust outside the home — a friend, colleague, or sibling. Maintain a connection and seek support from them.

You can call the I Call helpline (9152987821) — they will offer confidential, non-judgmental support and help you think through your options and decide what steps feel okay for you at the moment. You can also call the NCW 24-hour women helpline at 14490, which can provide guidance and connect you to other resources. It's okay for you to make decisions that are different from what your parents want. But it's not okay for your life to be taken away. Take it at your pace and start with support and connecting with others. Your safety is of the utmost priority.

I am a 22-year-old final-year law student from Shahjahanpur. I don't have a pre-made client base that second generation lawyers have. I don't see myself as a successful advocate or lawyer. In fact, it was never my plan to pursue law. I had wanted to go for the armed forces instead as I have an NCC certificate. But my sibling died in 2021 and my family suddenly became overprotective because I am now their only child. Even I don't want to leave them and seek work outside the city. Is it just a mental limitation or a realistic concern? Please help — Gagan Awasthi.

It is not a mental limitation; it is a very human and understandable response to loss. Your parents lost a child, you lost a sibling. You're grieving. Everyone responds to loss differently — some people may become overprotective and others may want to stay close to their loved ones. It makes perfect sense and it needs to be held and named for what it is — love, care and fear. Practically speaking, not having inherited a client base may be a disadvantage but isn't insurmountable. Many first-generation lawyers build a client base in their community through consistency and local reputation. It may take you longer, but it is possible. The more important question: is this an intentional decision or the grief and fear holding you back? What did you dream of for yourself? Is this part of that dream or would you like to do things differently? If it's the fear in the driving seat, then you may want to consider getting support to talk through this. Whatever you choose to do, it is important that it's your choice.

I am from Tamil Nadu, with two school-going children. One is 10 years old and the other is six. They are both struggling to concentrate on their studies. How can I help them maintain focus and improve their academics?— Anonymous.

There are many ways for parents to support their children at home and you've done the first part beautifully — noticing the struggle and wanting to be in a supportive role. With two children at different developmental ages, they may both need to be approached a bit differently. For your 6-year-old, some difficulty concentrating can be expected as their attention span is still forming. Sustained attention may not be extensively possible, so it's more important to focus on play-based learning, short study windows with breaks, and lots of movement.

For your 10-year-old, difficulty concentrating is something worth looking at more closely. First, look at external factors such as sleep, academic stress, social pressure, etc. Do they find studying boring or meaningless? Sometimes a child's "difficulty concentrating" is a marker of something else, maybe something they don't have words for yet. Before moving to solutions, I would suggest having an honest conversation with each child, not about marks but how school feels for them. It's also important to look at the home environment when it's study time. Is there noise, activity, or screens? Children absorb all of it. If the problems persist despite changes at home and added support, a learning assessment with a child psychologist may help.

Writer: Professor R. S. Sengar, Director Training and Placement, Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel University of Agriculture and Technology, Modipuram, Meerut.